“No” is a complete sentence

While I was still on “summer vacation” last month, I hosted a workshop for a mentorship program elevating women in tech and media. 

In our time together, they let me test out a new game, built on centuries of brick walls put in front of women - “No is a complete sentence.” 

The rules were simple:

You’ll be asked by another member of the group a simple question, something like “can I have your fries,” “can you give me a ride to the airport,” “can you turn on the light.” 

Your only response is the word “No.”  

Then it’s your turn to ask the question of another group member. 

Simple, right? 

With decades of conditioning and eons of patriarchal systems, this was anything but simple. 

As the group members tossed the questions around casually, the responses were not so straightforward. 

“No, I’m really hungry so you can’t have my fries.” 

“I’m sorry, I won’t be able to drive you to the airport.” 

“I’m sorry, I just can’t.” 

When all the group members had a turn to answer and ask a question, I paused. 

There was a collective deep breath, perhaps everyone was thankful that the game was over. 

And then someone spoke up:

“I don’t think we followed the rules.” 

“It was really hard to say no and not say anything else.” 

“I felt the need to apologize.” 

Then someone realized that the bit about being hungry and not being able to relinquish a couple of fries would lead to a negotiation, like “if you’re hungry, eat this apple so I can eat your fries.” 

To bring it all home, a thoughtful group member chimed in that as she thought about the men in her life and work, she knew that they would probably have no issue with the simplicity of saying “no” to any of these questions. 

The double bind of likeability and competence is an enormous hurdle for women.

Although I desperately want the systems we live and work under to erase these challenges, there’s real work to dismantle for all people, especially those who identify as women.

I’ve never been one to sit around and hope that my daughters will automatically inherit work cultures devoid of these hurdles, so validating, connecting and empowering women to recognize the traps and practice the skills to move through them is my mission. 

This goes way beyond the negotiating table. 

Because what I really wanted to illustrate is that although I believe that a negotiation’s “success” is built in the preparation before you even reach the table, it’s also critical to be prepared for anything. Even a torpedo negotiation at the proverbial watercooler that you were in no way expecting - but that the other party was wholly prepared to stage. 

“No” is a complete sentence. 

The pause button on a conversation when you’re being asked to negotiate something you’ve given little thought to is within your control. 

And practicing these skills is within your reach. You may just need a little push to use try.

Consider this your push. Make “no” a complete sentence this week and let me know how it feels.