Returning Rage

This goes out to all the working moms returning to offices - again, for the first time since March 2020, or soon. 

I see you. I feel what you’re feeling. 

I know how discombobulated your mornings are as you pivot yet again to a new reality - arguably, an old reality. 

How did you do it all in the before-times, 5 days a week?

Why is it so much harder now? 

Here’s what I believe:

We are all burnt to a crisp. 

We had 2 full years of decisions to make where none of the choices on the buffet were good or easy. Nothing felt right or true. Most things were scary or disturbing. 

Take a deep breath and recognize if that’s true for you. 

This month, we reached the 2 year anniversary of pulling our kids from schools and propping up workstations on our kitchen counters. 

This anniversary came at the same time corporations decided it was safe enough for us to return to offices; at the same time the most cautious school boards lifted mask mandates; at the same time many of us are questioning how we return to life the way it was. 

Why is this so much harder to be in an office full-time, or even part-time (hybrid) than it was 2 years ago?  

Here’s what I know from my own experience. 

I’ve been a working mom for 7 years. I work on a team that’s always appeared supportive, and likely more supportive than many other teams. 

When I was pregnant, I felt like I shoved my life into two boxes - the work box and the family box. I compartmentalized my life and work so that they only mixed when I was in control of that merged personal narrative. 

Because in the past, nothing felt more true than the sentiment from Amy Westervelt - “We still ask women to work like they don’t have kids and parent like they don’t work.”

And then my worlds - like everyone else’s - were forced to collide overnight. Compartmentalizing was out the window. Every person I work with saw all the things, all the time. And I saw all their things, too. It was never pretty, but it was always beautiful. 

The two separate boxes - my work box and my family box - got dumped on the floor and all the contents shuffled together. New things got added to organize the metaphorical (and often-times physical) mess created. 

So, what makes it so hard now to go back to the office like the old days? 

Because there’s no way to shoe-horn the contents of my life and work back into separate boxes. The mess combined on the floor summed up to my total humanity - what makes me, me - the rockstar employee, the comforting caregiver, the fierce negotiator (debatable if that’s work or home), the creative coach.

What I realized during the pandemic is that I don’t want to work in a way that my worlds can’t collide. I’m better at both when I can be both - when I show up as my whole person.

I often said that I became a better employee and leader after I had kids. I had to be more efficient and strategic about everything, including my work. 

That refrain repeated when I look at what I accomplished during the pandemic - I’m an even better leader now than I was.  

What do you need to return to the office as your whole self? 

What matters most to us now that our work and homelife have been inextricably intertwined? What will it take to achieve what matters to us? 

What do we need when we recognize that we are burned out from the last two years and we never really took the time to complete the burnout cycle and return to ourselves? 

I was curious if my struggles - my morning meltdowns while trying to get myself ready to leave the house along with my kids - were just mine or if others were feeling the morning rage, too. 

I struck up conversations with other women leaders in varied industries with a variety of corporate requirements around their return - some working moms, but not all - to see how my experience stacked up. 

Was I the only one who felt like I didn’t unpack my pandemic suitcase before settling back into the reality of real life?

Was I the only one who felt like I couldn’t close the divide between the woman - leader, mom, employee - I was before lockdown and the more awakened version of myself now?

I’m sure you can see the through line - and hopefully feel a sense of belonging - in the responses to those questions. 

Because I’m not alone. And you aren’t either.

We all learned something deep and true during those incredibly dark days when no decision led to a good outcome. That deep truth was different for all of us, but the commonality of time and space that we were forced to take led to some pretty unexpected benefits on the other side of gray hairs of worry. 

The limited purview allowed for discovery for each one of us to decide what truly matters most. 

What about you? What discoveries did you make? 

If you’re not sure, try answering these questions. What comes up for you? 

What did I learn was my greatest strength during the heat of the pandemic? What’s one way I can bring more of that strength into my return to the office? 

What’s my favorite memory in the before-times at the office? What was special about that memory? What feelings come up when I recall the memory? 

What’s the smallest way I can bring those feelings into my day when I’m in the office? What do I have to gain? 

What are the simplest joys I can bring into my experience in the office? 

Having answers - no matter how fuzzy - to questions like these can broaden your focus on what really matters most to you, especially in the return. 

And if the above questions are still too raw to answer, start here. 

What’s one thing you learned about yourself during the heat of the pandemic?

This is my favorite question to ask. It can be hard to answer, but I love the long, awkward pause, almost hearing the rewind mechanism spin back through the last 2 years. 

So take a deep breath. 

We’ve been waiting for one really big exhale. We hold our breath and hold our breath. No one is going to give us the go-ahead for that exhale. 

So exhale. Take the next deep breath and then take another.

When you allow yourself a moment to rewind, what comes up as the one thing you learned about yourself during the heat of the pandemic?