Helium Hand

Thankfully the world is returning to regular in-person events. We are embarking on back-to-school season.

In this new-old world order, I want to arm women with tools to evaluate the myriad volunteer requests bombarding them this fall. 

Below is an extension of my Burnout Preparedness Toolkit that I think we should all build to prepare for the when, not if of burning out. 

When I’m burned out, I’m no good to my community, my family and especially myself. 

When I’m in alignment with my values and goals, my support for others feels endless, achievable and joyful. 

And I want the same for you. 

HELIUM HAND

Definition: When someone asks for volunteers, my hand automatically goes up. 

Is this you? 

I’ve been thrilled to join many in-person events this summer. Wonderful events in my various communities - our community pool,  the neighborhood, and our schools. 

With the resurgence of in-person events comes the increase in volunteer requests.

I’ve been thinking a lot about volunteering and what I affectionately self-diagnosed over 2 decades ago - my chronic “helium hand.” 

As a woman raised to be a “good girl” - a “good Catholic girl” to be more specific - showing up to help feels like it’s part of my DNA. 

But on the other side of my pandemic working mom burnout, I’m taking a much harder look at what’s really in my DNA and how that push/pull affects everything I’m able to offer to all of my communities, and most importantly, myself. 

I now believe that volunteering does NOT equal sacrifice. To offer my personal resources to my community is not penance, but rather an experience that, at its best, can be mutually beneficial. 

Since my oldest was 10 months old, I’ve served as a volunteer and vocal advocate for diaper need through my local Greater DC Diaper Bank. The effects of diaper and period product need could be an entire post on its own, so I’ll just leave you with this - a diaper can offer way, way more than a baby a clean bottom. A clean diaper = a happy baby = a happy family. 

But deep service like my work with the diaper bank is not my real focus of this post. I’m talking about the myriad requests that come from PTA’s, schools, clubs, etc and their relationship to all other responsibilities we juggle. 

A common request I see is schlepping to Costco to purchase concessions, bottled water, bratwurst, etc. and deliver them to an event.  There is also the (wo)manning a table at an event. And an even bigger energy commitment I often see is some sort of committee chair request. 

In my communities, I observe the same dozen helpers - usually women - show up each time. Meaning that there are dozens upon dozens of others who are not answering the call. 

Depending on the community, I recognize that this comes down to resources - financial, time, childcare, etc. Perhaps the repeat helpers are at an advantage, better able to juggle flexibility or financial resources, and they get to show up.  

And other times, it feels like they show up as sufferers of helium hand. Like those that can’t handle uncomfortable silence in conversations, they fill the void of volunteers by raising their hand. 

I know this because I’ve been there. 

I’ve come to realize that I don’t enjoy schlepping concessions from Costco. I spent the first 10 years of my career working on television productions where I was the default crafty stocker (crafty means snacks on a film set). 

My first Sam’s Club card issued by a production company in my name was a prized possession for a long time. Until it wasn’t. 

Here are the tools that help me in my personal quest to not just overcome my helium hand, but to get clear about what volunteer opportunities will align best with my values and my highest contribution. 

Recognize the feeling of helium hand in my body. 

When I’m asked to volunteer in a role that doesn’t resonate for me, I feel an immediate tightness in my chest and lightheadedness as I flip through my schedule to see how I could possibly make it work. Historically, I’d say yes and then kick myself for all that I have to juggle or otherwise give up to keep my commitment. 

We are always at choice.

I speak with women all the time - myself included - who forget this simple fact. You are at choice to overcome your own helium hand, among lots of other things in your life. 

One yes needs to balance with one no. 

What do I have to say NO to in order to say YES to this volunteer request? 

Which resonates more with my interests and the needs in my communities? 

Which opportunity uses my highest and best self to contribute to the current need? 

Yes… damn effect. 

I often use the practical wisdom from Ashley Whillans, author of Time Smart: How to Reclaim Time and Live a Happier Life. Her take on the “yes…damn” effect aligns perfectly with my evaluation of volunteer opportunities. 

“Yes…damn” refers to committing to an opportunity today, tomorrow and the next day that all fall on the same day in the future. Then when you reach that future day, you say to yourself, “damn, how am I ever going to do all of these things?” 

Or perhaps you walk away from the “yes” commitment, only to realize later that this small yes leads you to a really big no that you don’t want to give up. 

Volunteer jobs can meet an otherwise unmet need for me. 

If you’ve been around here much, you know that getting clear about what you value most is the secret sauce to living a life well-lived. 

Part of my helium hand is fueled by my continued need to be

  • in control

  • to feel I belong

  • to serve others

  • to live my purpose 

Those are some really big needs. When I ask myself “Does this volunteer opportunity meet one of my needs for me that I’m not getting elsewhere,” the answer is usually crystal clear. 

Boundaries & expectations 

To be clear, someone still needs to pick up the concessions from Costco. And if that task doesn’t align with anyone’s values in the community, then the event won’t have Gatorade or bottled water. That’s where boundaries and expectations come into play. 

As the volunteer candidate, I want to be clear about my boundaries for a given task. It’s my job to vocalize and stick to my boundaries. I also need to understand clearly the expectations of the community asking for my help, so I can make sure my clear boundaries fit within those expectations. 

If my boundaries and the community’s expectations are not aligned, I should not raise my hand. 


To the Volunteer Coordinators:

I realize that many of you may also be in a position to request volunteers. I want to offer a few ways you can tailor your volunteer requests in a way that benefits the community while still ensuring the jobs get done. 

Obviously kindness and gratitude are prerequisites for volunteer requests. And going deeper with requests to ensure volunteers feel supported to continue showing up without burning out is where the magic is. If your events are built on the backs of only a small collective of volunteers who will fizzle out, you’ll be left with no one to operate the concession stand.  

Get to know your community and their strengths. 

What highest and best contributions can each member of your community make that will truly benefit your efforts?

The leader of one of my communities knows that - when I’m not coaching - I spend my professional time working with money. Financial reviews and handling bank accounts comes naturally to me, and we both recognize that it doesn’t come naturally for all. Therefore, this really critical work isn’t a burden on me, but rather a very meaningful way for me to contribute to the community with my highest and best contribution

Be mindful of repeat volunteers and get curious about their choices. 

What brings your repeat volunteers coming back? Is it helium hand or is it their highest and best contribution? 

So often, I talk to women who feel they have to volunteer, doing something they can’t stand just because no one else will do it.  They equate volunteering with sacrificing for the community, rather than providing their best contribution.  

Clarify expectations and be mindful of your volunteers’ boundaries. As I noted below, boundary setting and understanding expectations is the job of the volunteer, but partnering on the level setting will ensure a positive experience for everyone.  



If you’re like me, I wish you the best on your journey to keep your hand safely tucked into the cushions of your chair and not automatically raised for every single volunteer request.

If you want to go deeper on any of these concepts, reach out. I’d love to help you design involvement in your community in a way that keeps YOU in focus.

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What do I do if I’m already burned out?

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A Big Celebration